Should you become friends with your boss? It’s a question both employees and leaders ask themselves.
One of the first pieces of advice I remember receiving when I became a supervisor was, “Your goal should not be to become their friend.” While that’s sound advice that is well documented in leadership theory, the issue arises when bosses take the I’m-not-their-friend philosophy too far and assume that it isn’t a problem when employees consider them the enemy.
This post is the third in a series featuring excerpts from Burl Stamp’s upcoming new book, Becoming a Better Boss, which is scheduled to be published next year. This entry is from the chapter titled “The Better Boss Mindset.”
I experienced first-hand how this exaggerated, warped view of leadership can backfire even before I landed my first full-time job. Working on the school newspaper was not a paid job, but the staff organization certainly had all the characteristics of a well-functioning company: hierarchy, clearly defined roles and responsibilities, deadlines, and strong teamwork needed to produce a high-quality final product.
A newly named editor-in-chief, who was an extremely smart guy and personal friend, wanted desperately to be a strong, results-focused leader and improve the overall quality of the newspaper. He was a voracious reader and had come across the military maxim that leaders cannot and should not be friends with their subordinates. Unfortunately, his hard-nosed approach resulted in members of the staff feeling demeaned, insulted, and unappreciated. Simply, almost overnight a smart, well-intentioned, hard-working guy became a real jerk. Things only got better when several of us and the faculty adviser sat him down to tell him he was going to have a mutiny on his hands if he didn’t change his approach.
In large companies, managers seldom confront a mass mutiny. Rather, when employees feel unheard, under-appreciated, and demotivated, their leader becomes the victim of slow, painful, mini mutinies, commonly called resignations or “quiet quitting.”
Not being your employees’ best friend doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t care about them as individuals. The line between being friendly and being their friend is one that great bosses learn to walk deftly to develop supportive, professional relationships with each member of their team.