Among the long list of demanding responsibilities facing frontline leaders, initiating difficult conversations with staff often is among the most dreaded. It’s also one of the most important skills to develop.
In our last blog, we emphasized why developing the will and skills to have these difficult conversations is so critical for leaders. Today, we share eight key steps to make tough discussions a little easier – and a lot more effective.
1. Start with a clear, results-focused purpose for the conversation.
Too often, we think about and approach all challenging conversations like our most dreaded scenario: having to fire someone or eliminate their job. The problem is that those encounters usually are not conversations. Rather, they are structured to deliver bad news in the most humane way possible, with little room for discussion or compromise.
Our bigger, missed opportunities are usually having straightforward conversations with individuals to help them see their weaknesses, blind spots, and areas for personal improvement. Focusing on the purpose of the conversation and the results we hope to achieve helps us set the right tone and craft the right approach. Having these conversations earlier and more often may also help us avoid more agonizing conversations later.
2. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Yes, empathy can and should play a role in difficult encounters. According to a Forbes article by Tracy Brower, PhD, research shows that empathy can be the most important leadership skill. In challenging conversations, thinking about the issue you’re addressing from the other person’s perspective helps anticipate possible objections and craft fair, effective responses.
3. Imagine the best possible outcome, then work backwards.
In an ideal world, how do you and the other person feel at the end of your conversation? Has it increased their resolve to take positive next steps or caused them to further disengage and resist change? Contemplating the desired outcome helps to prioritize both what you want to say and how you want to say it.
4. Chart your course but be ready to tack to changing winds.
Being prepared doesn’t mean being unyielding in your approach to the conversation. If it’s truly a conversation, listening carefully to the other person’s thoughts and reactions helps you respond more effectively and appropriately.
5. Don’t start with “This is a difficult conversation for me to have with you.”
Remember that the conversation isn’t just about you and your resolve to address a difficult issue or situation. Be careful about opening statements that immediately put the other person on the defensive. This misstep can make them less likely to consider your ideas and be willing to change behaviors that will make them more successful.
6. Plan, prepare, and practice.
Confronting tough, divisive issues tests even the most adept, experienced communicators. They know success relies not just on an innate ability to initiate difficult discussion but rather on their preparation. Smart leaders confidentially share the background of a difficult conversation with one or two trusted confidants to test-drive their plan. This important step does more than surface ideas that you hadn’t considered. Talking through your approach makes you more confident and comfortable, which ultimately benefits both you and your employee.
7. Control your emotions, but don’t completely hide them.
We often tell leaders that losing control of your emotions means that you’ve lost control of a conversation. Lashing out in anger, disgust, or opposition doesn’t advance the goals or purpose of any conversation. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let the other person know how you feel about a situation in a respectful way. Disappointment, concern, frustration, and disagreement – when expressed fairly and constructively – can all help the other person recognize the importance of an issue and where you stand on the need to change.
8. Provide support post-conversation as appropriate.
If your goal is to change behavior, follow up support and continued assessment is often necessary to achieve real, sustainable results. That said, be sure to make it clear that the responsibility to change is primarily theirs, not yours.
Initiating difficult conversations is a critical part of being a strong leader. Even when the news or issue is tough to hear, employees respect supportive bosses’ willingness and ability to have these uncomfortable conversations in respective ways that help them improve and be more successful.